During the run up to Christmas (and don’t tell me you’re not already feeling that Christmas kick in the air…) I’m going to be taking a look at some recent and not so recent DVD releases to entice (or dissuade) your festive purchases (or rentals…). The Office: An American Workplace has been out on DVD for a while now but was recently rereleased in a nifty and affordable box set, containing seasons one, two, and three, which you can now pick up for under twenty quid (available from all good online retailers – you know the ones), so without further ado…

It was with much trepidation that I first started to watch the American remake of the British classic. I, like most of the nation, shed a tear when Dawn returned to give Tim that kiss and it scared the hell out of me that someone was going to mess with that perfect TV moment. The original 12 episodes (and those note-perfect Christmas specials) redefined British comedy and transformed Ricky Gervais (undeservedly?) into the worldwide star he is today (star of A Night At The Museum 2!).

In fact, the pilot for The Office: An American Workplace is simply a rehash of sight gags and dramatic pauses that worked far better in the dulcet British tones of the original performers. It’s not dreadful, but it’s not original, and that makes it redundant. Why watch a rehash of something you’ve seen done better before? However, as the course of the first season progresses, our protagonist Michael Scott (the versatile Steve Carell of Little Miss Sunshine and The 40 Year Old Virgin) becomes someone who we are able to sympathise with. He’s by no means a likeable guy but he gives the character a childlike innocence which makes him a little less grating than David Brent and gives the show the longevity it needs to sustain the 22 episode American format.

Once the teething problems are over, The Office becomes one of the finest American sitcoms, probably ever. I would argue that the writing on television is more interesting than anything on at the cinema right now. Television is no longer a throwaway medium. DVD and online on-demand programmes allow viewers to consume television in concentrated doses and also means that they never miss an episode. This allows for a far greater sense of continuity than older programmes that you could just dip in and out of. The Office benefits from the extended length and, whiles never falling into a Friends style descent into soap opera, it allows relationships to develop and change. Over the first three seasons we see a variety of romances between the characters and the dynamics are constantly evolving amongst the staff of Dunder Mifflin.

The Office’s greatest strength is in the development of the minor characters. In the English counterpart, they were just familiar faces but the American version casts fantastic character actors who are the true stars of the show. Against the drab setting of a paper company these characters seem larger than life but remain true to themselves and consistently funny. For example, Kelly (played by Mindy Kaling, a writer of the show) begins as a one-note Indian joke and is then given a relationship with office temp Ryan (B.J. Novak, another writer) and her character is revealed to be sweet yet obsessive and wholly naive. Kaling plays her as incredibly annoying yet incredibly vulnerable and consistently amusing. Similarly, the stern and uptight Angela (Angela Kinsey) starts off as a one-dimensional thorn in everyone’s side and is then given a softer side with the introduction of a surprise secret romance. My personal favourite character quickly became the ineffectual HR advisor, Toby (Paul Lieberstein), whose recent divorce has made him basically give up on life. He is the bane of Michael’s life and manages to do this without doing much at all. Lieberstein’s subtle and understated performance doesn’t go for the big laughs but manages to flesh out the character and make us feel for him. It is rare that a television show doesn’t feel overcrowded with more than about six major characters and The Office manages to juggle the lives of about twenty main characters. No easy feat.

The DVD features definitely give the viewer an appreciation into what makes this show work. It becomes clear from the commentaries that the makers cast established comics to take the most minor parts and the serialised format allow them to tweak things over time according to what works and what doesn’t. Like any good show, it learns from its mistakes and this is why it is such a slow burner. The show also employs some of the best directors working today including Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon and Ghostbusting Egon Spengler himself, Harold Ramis. Ramis contributes to some audio commentaries and reveals he is as much of a fan of the show as anyone else. The audio commentaries span about 20 episodes throughout the second and third seasons and are almost as entertaining as the show themselves. Featuring most of the cast and behind the scenes personnel, they are an interesting insight into the making of the show, and also track the rising stardom of Steve Carell as different participants comment on his evolving superstar status.

All the episodes are all presented in anamorphic widescreen and almost all of them feature a wealth of deleted material which offers up material which is just as good as what ended up in the show. I would definitely recommend checking them out. The DVDs are rounded out with ‘made for Internet’ webisodes, trailers, bloopers, and an on-stage cast interview which runs for about 20 minutes. The 9 disc box set offers a wealth of bonus material for such an inexpensive set. The only downside to the box set is the box itself. It’s made of a flimsy cardboard and is a completely different size to any other DVDs. It also features no episode guides or booklets so good luck revisiting a specific episode without a little trial and error.

Whether as a gift or something to keep you entertained through the cold winter nights, I would highly recommend The Office: An American Workplace. It benefits from the DVD format in that you don’t have to wait too long to get through the shaky start and at under 20 minutes each, they are incredible… more-ish. The second and third seasons were undeniably the shows’ strongest so far and include such memorable material as Michael’s homocidal improv class, Dwight’s Macbeth style takeover of the office, and Pam and Jim’s first kiss. The episode plots are mostly throwaway but each has at least one or two genuine laughs which is rare for even the funniest of sitcoms. Forget the inherent baggage it carries from its English predecessor and just enjoy one of the greatest and consistently funny American comedies since Seinfeld. The only downside is that the UK are still yet to see a release of seasons four or five but sales of this box set might prompt someone to do something about it. Do yourself a favour and pick this one up.

Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins

I suppose you could see this as a companion piece to my ‘Phantom Menace’ review, another prequel no-one asked for. I’m not really sure anyone asked for ‘Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed’ either; one of the most unpleasant cinematic experiences I can recall in the past ten years. It was everything bad. I know that’s not a sentence, but it was all kinds of proper bad; insincere, illogical, condescending, and it haemorrhaged money all over the screen.

It was with some trepidation that I approached a return to the live-action Scooby Doo universe. And, surprisingly, I didn’t hate it. You could probably stop reading the review right there. But no, there’s more. It was, in fact, OK. I might even up that to a pretty good. Ask me in a few weeks.

The plot concerns the creation of ‘Mystery Inc,’ and the tale of how an awkward teenage boy found his perfect match, in the form of a dopey (talking!) dog. Oh, and the school, ‘Coolsville High,’ was built over another school which was destroyed by a flood many years ago. So obviously there are ghosts. Obviously.

The plot is a mish-mash of a bunch of other movies and shows (‘Poltergeist,’ ‘The Frighteners,’ every ‘Scooby Doo’ episode you’ve ever seen) but it keeps things simple. Hands up who liked the first ‘Scooby Doo’ movie when the bad guy was revealed to be Scrappy Doo on steroids? No? It’s the familiarity and innocence of ‘The Mystery Begins’ that works. The story doesn’t really matter because this is a kid’s movie, and unlike the other live action works, it doesn’t try to offer anything for the adults who are watching except shameless nostalgia. There are no obvious winks at the camera, no drug references, and no high-wire kung-fu. What we do have is a scene of someone pulling off a ghostly mask and revealing one of three suspects (yes, there are only like three suspects), plenty of comical disguises, and a healthy dose of “jinkies,” “zoinks,” and “Scooby snacks.” These are what you want from a ‘Scooby’ movie and this is what the film offers. With no extra padding. In fact, the story moves swiftly and doesn’t dwell on such trifle matters as ‘where do ghosts get off interrupting the big game?’ and ‘why is the dog walking on two legs?’

The performances from the unknown cast are pleasant, inoffensive, ‘High School Musical’ esque versions of the cartoon’s four characters, thankfully minus the cynical stunt casting of the previous films. Bearing in mind this is a children’s film, I would also have to commend the cast as role models. Shaggy’s a sensitive young soul, Velma shows that brains are more valuable than beauty, and Fred doesn’t beat the crap out of Shaggy once the credits start to role (because he’s a jock and that’s what movie jocks usually do). Daphne bothered me for channelling some Hilary Duff. (This review isn’t pretending to be highbrow affair by the way). The core gang get to know each other through a ‘Breakfast Club’ inspired detention sequence complete with all the usual high school movie clichés, but once we’re done with that, the group generally look out for each other and don’t seem fazed by the usual teen-movie hang-ups of social groups and appearances. The innocent banter between the group and the pro-active way they approach their mystery-solving extra-curricular activities were conducted sans whining and fighting and there weren’t any scenes of ‘so-and-so feels alienated so goes off in the other direction…’

Director Brian Levant has directed such family fare as ‘Beethoven’ (one of the finest dog-based family comedies) and ‘The Flintstones’ (uh oh) but he, and I hate to repeat a phrase, keeps things simple. The film is shot in bright, colourful, Nickelodeon-tween vision. The CGI ‘Scooby’ is quite terrifying to begin with (particularly in a slow-motion shot early on), but you get used to it and learn to embrace the animated-style. The film exists in a world where dogs talk so why shouldn’t the dog look a little unreal? If I had any real complaints, it’s that ‘Scooby’ was pretty superfluous considering the film was named after him, but this was obviously due to budgetary limitations as much as anything else. However, the always-reliable Frank Welker voices ‘Scooby’ and the familiarity of the voice is a nice reminder of the classic cartoons.

Also in the plus pile, the film managed to incite two genuine smiles from me (one ‘Kill Bill’ inspired slow-mo sequence in particular) and the ghosts would probably have been just the right side of frightening for the very young. They weren’t terrifying (and didn’t pose any real threats short of waving their arms in front of them) but they were mildly gruesome (and proceeded to take over toy aeroplanes from which they were able to shoot real bullets – amazing!).

Obviously, it’s not a perfect movie. The intrusive score plays like a cheap knock-off of the ‘Desperate Housewives’ theme tune and the film has ‘straight-to-DVD’ written all over it (particularly the re-use of shots and the obvious attempts to exclude ‘Scooby’ from as many shots as possible). The plot is simple and aimed exclusively at kids (or the ‘Scooby’ obsessives) and the lack of original ideas is glaringly obvious. But this film wasn’t made for me, and I reckon if I was eight, I’d sit down pretty happily for the 80 minute runtime.

The DVD offers an interactive personality test (I am ‘totally shaggified’ apparently) and a couple of short featurettes (none of which deal with the making of the movie) and the film is presented in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen with a clear picture quality and 22 chapter stops. Nothing to write home about content-wise but fine for the kids.

Ultimately, ‘Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins’ is a nice, innocent reboot of live-action ‘Scooby.’ Don’t rush out to buy this expecting a high-budget, high-quality affair, but pick it up as a perfectly fine Halloween diversion for young children (or the young at heart).

‘A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,’ the most anticipated film of all time (?) was released into cinemas and bankrupted poor old book publishers, Dorling Kindersley.

After wildly overestimating the hunger for all things ‘Star Wars’, they were left with crippling debts and more Amidala journals than they knew what to do with. And they weren’t the only victims of The Phantom Menace’s marketing black hole and critical disappointment; ‘Phantom Menace’ merchandising was still flooding Poundland shelves as recently as last year, and a whole bunch of collectors hoarded their ‘Darth Maul’ figures, only to realise they were worth practically nothing on Ebay. The Phantom Menace single-handedly ruined lives and alienated a whole generation of film fans. However, it has been ten years since Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released into cinemas and changed the face of cinema (rightly or wrongly) forever. In retrospect, it is definitely worthy of a revisit. The dust has settled, the backlash has calmed, and Jar Jar Binks doesn’t seem quite as annoying as he seemed in 1999.

This preview premiered on Friday, 20th November, 1998, and was the most downloaded trailer on the Internet (back when trailers were just about all you could get on the Internet). It also prompted thousands of fans to pay for cinema tickets only to leave before the main feature started. It was the perfect example of aggressive film marketing paying off, and Team Lucas teased just enough to get fanboys wetting themselves, and not enough to indicate that the film just might not live up to their dizzyingly high expectations.

The teaser poster suggested that Episode 1 was the ultimate coming of age movie; Stand by Me meets The Omen; a dark tale about a boy’s journey into the horrors of adulthood. What the poster didn’t indicate was that said journey would be told from the perspective of a nine-year-old who uses the phrase “wizard” too much and his computer-generated posse.

Not only that, but Darth Vader was not even on the horizon and the ultra cool bad guy with the horns from the trailer was only in the film for a total of ten minutes, max.

Never has a film been more a victim of its own hype than Star Wars Episode I. The initial marketing frenzy suggested a film that didn’t exist, and fans were left wondering - what went so very, very wrong?

Perhaps the biggest flaw with Episode I is that the story being told is not cinematically dramatic; there is no sense of what’s at stake and no sense of urgency to the heroes’ quest. The narrative is framed around a blockade of a trade route and the (non-violent) invasion of a planet. However, there are obvious missed opportunities and this definitely wasn’t a space-bound Die Hard. The villains are ineffectual and clumsy, the rescue of the Queen was far too easy (where was the trash monster?), and the final battles are unspectacular. Not to mention the plodding sidetrack to Tatooine and the most tedious sequence thus far; political speeches in the senate.

Lucas stays as far from the darkness of the story as he possibly can, and there is no narrative hook to keep us interested. Who cares if the Queen saves her planet? She ditched it in the first 30 minutes! Why do we want Anakin to become a Jedi? We don’t even know who he is? And the political subplot might pay off later, but it slows the film to a dramatic crawl which it never fully recovers from.

I’m sure the publishers thought they were onto a winner when they came up with an idea for the tweeny journal of Queen Amidala. Supposedly this book even features pictures of each of her different outfits. Yay? This was just another symptom of the underlying issue; you can’t make an uninteresting story, well, interesting - no matter whose perspective you’re telling it from. And Lucas seemed too interested in having his fingers in all the pies and saturating the market, as opposed to telling a thrilling yarn. The tweeny Queen writes awesome things in her awesome journal - is this Star Wars or 90210? And, not to be sexist, but since when did teenage girls show any interest in Star Wars? They certainly didn’t at my school (in Lucas’s defence, at least he was eager to please).

Enough with the bashing! I honestly believe, over time, that The Phantom Menace has blossomed as the best of the prequel trilogy and is a visually exciting and underrated cinematic oddity. Strong words?

Well, the screen isn’t as overbloated as the further instalments (glorified computer games) and the visuals truly have an olde-worldie (?) feel about them. From the lavish costumes to the sweeping landscapes, the attention detail is sublime. John Williams’ score is a refreshing mix of new material and classic themes, and the performances of Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor, whiles not exactly Oscar-worthy, are admirably serious and feel authentic to the Star Wars universe.

The film’s rampant merchandising also ensured that Lucas had to enrich his story with ancillary characters and backstories, allowing viewers to pick up new details with each repeated viewing. The frame is never flat or empty. This also led to a marketing frenzy – the toys that accompanied the film could only get so much mileage out of the six or seven main characters so kids were treated to the delights of ‘Palace Guard Number’ and ‘Gragra’, the equivalent of your local corner shop worker. Lucas created a film with the potential for children and adults alike to imagine what else might be going on in this universe. Shameless cash-in or creative genius?

Only time will tell, but I would like to believe the latter statement. No-one spots a money-making scheme better than Lucas, but nobody fills a film with ‘Gragras’ and ‘Palace Guards’ like Lucas either. The universe feels complete, full, and functional.

Ten years later, we can still feel the ramifications of the film’s successes and failures. No film has been marketed to death the way The Phantom Menace was, but no film has attracted the levels of intense media and public interest either. Did it make moviegoers more cynical? Is getting excited about new releases now a worthless endeavour? Probably. But it also led to a revisit of seemingly dead franchises (Indiana Jones, Battlestar Galactica) and marketed itself straight into Poundstretchers and Right Prices (RIP) across the country. It captivated the imagination of children and catapulted cinema directly into the digital age. And it brought us ‘Jar Jar Sex Candy’.

Now, about that ‘Jar Jar Sex Candy…’ Lucas was criticised for making a French kissing Jar Jar Binks toy, as per this story.

“Shame on you, George Lucas” indeed. This particular toy/sweet/abomination is a true masterpiece - how many other films inspire alien sex toys with edible tongues? I can’t think of any either. For that reason and that reason alone, The Phantom Menace stands out as a trailblazer like no other.

Pinocchio comes to DVD, for the third time, in a newly remastered two disc special edition to mark the 70th anniversary of the picture.

The film is one of the last of the Disney Classics to come to DVD but one of the first to come to Blu-Ray (which I won’t be reviewing – haven’t made the switch yet). The Disney special editions are formulaic but reliable, offering up films with pristine picture and sound as well as an informative, yet pretty dry, array of extras. Oh, and every one seems to include an insipid music video (AKA abomination) by a ‘tween star’ of one of the film’s classic songs. This time we get ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ by somebody called Meaghan Jette Martin (who apparently was in Camp Rock – who knew?) The song has to be heard to be believed. Whilst not as painful as ‘Jump 5′ on the Beauty and the Beast DVD, it is still quite offensive, coming across as a hybrid of Cher’s ‘Believe’ and a cheap Poundland interpretation of High School Musical. Anyway…

I would imagine almost everyone is familiar with the story of Pinocchio but what struck me on this most recent viewing was how dark the film is. Few family films give their protagonists such a strong moral dilemma and place them in quite as much mortal danger as Pinocchio. Pinocchio himself has his conscience externalised in the form of Jiminy Cricket, a device that simplifies the story to great effect, highlighting Pinocchio’s plight and making the audience feel even worse when Pinocchio doesn’t listen to it/him/the talking cricket. The film is a coming-of-age production and is as relevant today as it was 70 years ago.

The simplistic moralising is given a dark twist; when Pinocchio lies, his nose grows, but when kids are really bad, they turn into donkeys! Not only are they abducted (in broad daylight) by sinister foxes and dopey cats, but they are then turned into donkeys with no chance of saviour. One of the most frightening moments has to be a crowd of boy-donkeys cowering in a corner, as the threatening shadow of a whip cracks in their direction, surely a moment that warns any children of the dangers of cigarettes and alcohol. Pinocchio barely escapes with his life but we can only imagine what happened to the poor donkeys who got left behind.

The film also exudes a warmth and sentimentality that is typically Disney but also incredibly heartfelt. Geppetto’s blind love for his “son” drives the film and he is rewarded far more than Pinocchio. Jiminy Cricket is an entertaining narrator and the adorable Figaro is one of Disney’s most lifelike felines. The Oscar-winning music also accentuates the innocence and warmth of the fable, nicely used in the simple fire lit DVD menu set in Geppetto’s workshop. If you were a fan before, you’ll still be a fan. If you’ve never seen it, now might be a good time to take a look.

This Disney Platinum Edition presents the film in its original full-screen aspect ratio and the picture quality has been remastered to such an extent that it is almost impossible to believe this film is now 70 years old. Other reviews I’ve read have argued that such dramatic improvements in picture and sound, and the loss of the film’s natural grain, are not presenting the films as they were originally intended to be seen but for animation, I believe the glossier, the better. The older Disney films tend to include a mix of admirers and archived interviews of the filmmakers, making them slightly more dry than the newer documentaries, but also more in-depth.

The audio commentary is conversational and adoring, a must-listen for Disney aficionados. The commentators aren’t afraid to acknowledge the film’s flaws but they also highlight what makes the film so special. This is also covered in the 60 minute documentary on disc two that follows the film’s creation from pre-production to release, including an interesting on-camera interview with Pinocchio’s voice, Dick Jones. The “Geppettos - Then and Now” feature offers a look at today’s toy-makers and seems primed to sell as many Wall-E toys as possible. The DVD also includes the standard games and endless trailers (‘Tinker Bell - The Search for the Lost Treasure’ looks particularly abysmal) but the most interesting feature is definitely the deleted scenes section. These lost moments have been recreated from old notes and storyboards, offering a fascinating peek of what could have been, including an alternate ending where it is Geppetto who is in danger of dying, not Pinocchio.

All in all, Pinocchio is a predictably solid release and an essential addition to any Disney DVD collection. This is also supposed to be a limited release, though with the recent announcement of a re-release of Disney’s first platinum title, Snow White, I’m sure you won’t have to wait too long for this to hit DVD or Blu-Ray shelves again.

1985 saw the release of the 14th official James Bond film, A View to a Kill and marked the swansong of Roger Moore. It was also notable for being the first James Bond film to not premiere in the UK. The film had its charity premiere on May 22nd in San Francisco‘s Palace of Fine Arts. Now, you might be asking what is the relevance of all this, if any? The film premiered in San Francisco as a special thank you to the city for its participation in the making of the blockbuster, but also to gloss over some controversy that threatened the making of the film. The scene that caused the outrage was set in City Hall and involves the film’s villain, Max Zorin (a suitably insane Christopher Walken), shooting an official in his own office. Sound familiar? No? Have I just ruined the movie? Suffice to say, Harvey Milk’s impact was as important then as it is now, almost halting 007 dead in his tracks, and I’m sure he would have been amused by that fact.

Milk follows gay politician Harvey Milk as he records his will and final thoughts on a Dictaphone in the days preceding his assassination. His early efforts as a gay rights activist lead him to a career in politics and after a couple of false starts; he is eventually elected as the first openly gay politician in America. This fact does not go unnoticed by the media and the terrifying singer, Anita Bryant, who fronts an anti-gay organisation and appears solely through (again, terrifying) archive footage. Milk also charts the growth of Harvey’s makeshift family and his relationship with his two lovers, the dependable Scott Smith (James Franco) and the troubled Jack Lira (Diego Luna).

Gus Van Sant‘s Milk is perhaps more mainstream than much of the director’s recent output and remains pretty faithful to the structure of the biopic genre. The film lacks the visual personality of My Own Private Idaho but effectively goes for a more realistic style. The end credits compare the faces of the real characters with their acting counterparts, highlighting Van Sant’s attention to detail and Sean Penn’s uncanny transformation into Harvey Milk.

The Oscar buzz surrounding Penn’s performance is entirely justified. Penn completely becomes Harvey Milk, highlighting his strength and vulnerability with charm and determination. We first meet Milk in his late forties so we are thankfully saved from any clichéd coming out segments. What came before doesn’t seem to matter. Milk’s life seems to be kick-started by the arrival of Scott and James Franco offers understated support and a solid performance as Harvey’s rock and the love of his life. He more than holds his own in the shadow of the magnificent Penn. Diego Luna’s theatrical performance quickly grates but he provides an importance glimpse into Milk’s flaws and insecurities. Josh Brolin’s Dan White is the stand-out performance, presenting us with an enigmatic, pitiable, and pathetic human being. Brolin gives White a nervous, almost manic, energy, constricted by the confines of his reputable position in society. The inevitable denouement still manages to come as an unexpected blow, partly because Brolin makes us want to find the good in the misguided White.

San Francisco’s Castro district is also given the biographical treatment, as we witness it rise from non-descript obscurity into the heart and soul of the world’s gay community. Van Sant could have made more of the transformation of this district but he wisely chooses to focus on the man and the issues at hand. As the population increases and Milk’s popularity soars, the community becomes a family and rallies together to stand up for justice and civil rights. It could be a cheesy concept but it is handled with sensitivity and power. Milk’s entourage allow us to revel in his successes and mourn his defeat, and we never forget that this is history in the making.

Harvey Milk is an advocate not only for gay rights, but basic human rights. His courage and strength of character resonate through every scene without seeming preachy or overly dramatic. It is the human qualities that Penn brings to the role that makes Milk such an accessible and important film. This is not a political soundboard; it is a simple tale of a man who stood up for what he believed in with dignity, passion, and pride. A fine example to us all.

The DVD release of the new Indiana Jones movie opened my eyes to the horror that is development hell. In one of the interviews, Steven Spielberg claims that the release of Independence Day sidetracked the script for Indy 4. Excuse me? Independence Day? I think we should all count ourselves lucky that we were spared the sight of Harrison Ford flying a WWII fighter jet into the side of a flying saucer. Makes KOTCS look spectacular, right? This prompted me to take a look through my DVD back catalogue to find other films that almost turned out completely unrecognisable.

5) Beverly Hills Cop

This 1984 Bruckheimer action/comedy masterpiece cemented the popularity of Mr. Eddie Murphy and has been shamelessly imitated, but never surpassed, since. Murphy’s manic banter and fish-out-of-water charisma was what made the movie work as well as it did.

Now imagine an alternate 1984, when Beverly Hills Cop climaxed with a chiselled bodybuilder in a stolen Lamborghini playing chicken with an oncoming freight train and you have Sylvester Stallone’s Beverly Hills Cop. Sly was reportedly offered the part after Mickey Rourke turned it down, but even he could see his muscle-man features might look a bit silly in a comedy about upper class snobbery. Stallone’s rewrite featured his character avenging the death of his brother in Beverly Hills and, from the sound of it, destroying most of the surrounding area while he’s at it.

Stallone recently compared his perceived version of the film to the opening sequences of Saving Private Ryan. If you’ve ever felt the need to watch this sequence with Harold Faltenmeyer’s “Axel F” theme playing in the background, you’ll get a pretty decent idea of why this was never made.

4) Alien 3

I was seven years old when I first saw Aliens, and it stands up as one of the finest movies of our time. I remember visiting London during the release of Alien 3 and seeing a poster the size of a building advertising the forthcoming release of Alien 3. I couldn’t believe it! A sequel to Aliens? Amazing! I set my older brother the task of gathering together anything he could about this film. I wrote a few ‘short stories’ about what I wanted to happen and most might have been more satisfying than what we ended up with. This was a time before the Internet existed but somehow, news of this trailer trickled back to me. Aliens were coming to Earth. This movie is going to be the greatest movie of all time.

The movie came and went and by the time I saw the tie-in action figures and comic book, I quickly realised that this film wasn’t set on Earth, the advance buzz had been misinformation. It was also far too dark and broody for a nine year old to get any interest out of. In retrospect, whiles not living up to my admittedly high expectations, it’s a pretty solid movie. Ripley’s still fighting the good fight, that alien is still impossible to kill, and all those bald convicts died in pretty gruesome and entertaining ways.

Those who have seen the documentaries on the Alien Quadrilogy box set can testify that this almost wasn’t the case. Vincent Ward, a New Zealand filmmaker, was given a stab at the Alien 3 script and his ideas were quickly rushed into production. Only problem was, his ideas were insane. Ripley crashes on a wooden (yes, wooden) planet inhabited by monks who end up believing the alien is Satan and Ripley is a test from god, sent to tempt them away from their vow of celibacy. I’m not exactly sold on a wooden planet for starters, but when you add religious metaphors and iconography in the mix, you have a recipe for disaster. David Fincher took the reigns of this doomed production and had enough sense to keep things simple. There’s an alien. It needs to die. End of. Though not the most imaginative of the series, it still has its fair share of memorable moments - and no wooden planet. Thank goodness.

3) Big

Tom Hanks and Robert Loggia jumping around a giant piano in one of the world’s largest toy stores is an iconic image of ’80s cinema. Hanks’ sensitive and joyful portrayal of a child trapped in a man’s body helped make Big one of the most successful films of 1988 and it still holds up to repeated viewings today. The criminally under-marketed recent release of the extended cut of Big offers few surprises in terms of additional scenes but it does explore another potential casting misstep.

Robert DeNiro accepted the role and it was to be rewritten to reflect the actor’s dark side, depicting a street-smart youth trapped in a man’s body. DeNiro is a mighty fine actor, and I’m not disputing the fact that this would have been an interesting movie, but DeNiro was never getting on that piano (not in 1988 anyway).

Big was set to be more of a comedic drama than a dramatic comedy, until the deal with DeNiro broke down and Hanks became available. DeNiro’s Josh would no doubt become involved in the criminal underworld and his decision whether or not to go back to being a kid probably ended in some kind of breakdown or shootout. What we ultimately received was one of the finest family comedies of the decade thanks to Hanks’ sincerity and the nuances of his performance. I watch it now and see myself at that age. And by that age, I mean 12. I doubt DeNiro would have been that empathetic.

2) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade/Monkey King

Yeah, yeah, there’s an alien in Crystal Skull. At least it doesn’t talk. In Chris Columbus’ initial story outline for what would have been the third Indiana Jones film, there’s a monkey and he talks. Indiana Jones and the talking monkey. Does the phrase “nuke the fridge” come to mind? To add insult to injury, the opening sequence was set in a haunted Scottish castle and Indy was set to marry some lady named Clare.

Please check out J.W. Rinzler’s wonderful book The Complete Making of Indiana Jones for the full story, but believe me when I say, the comic banter of father and son, and the personal discoveries of the final film are nowhere to be found. In fact, I found the synopsis pretty incomprehensible so I dread to think what the finished version would have been like.

Last Crusade arrived five years after the critically maligned Temple of Doom, and while not as imaginative or exciting as that first sequel, it recaptured some of the magic and fun that was so prevalent in the initial Raiders of the Lost Ark. The Monkey King would have been a cash-in and an embarrassment. For what it might have looked like, please check out the 1995 film adaptation of Michael Crichton’s Congo.

1) Jurassic Park 4

OK, so this film is still stuck in development hell. Last I heard, Keira Knightley and Laura Dern were scrapping it out for the female lead, but rumour has it, the dinosaurs would have once again stolen the show. Only this time they were armed with automatic weapons. Yes, dinosaurs with guns.

Rumours persist that in John Sayles’ unfilmable draft, dinosaurs would have been genetically crossed with humans to make a super-race of gun-toting dinosaurs. On paper that sounds pretty cool. On film, with the Jurassic Park logo tacked on, well, I can’t even imagine. Perhaps the film is shooting as I write and Vin Diesel has signed up to provide the voice of the T-Rex. We can only dream.

CERT: 12A

UK DVD RELEASE DATE: 10 November 2008

DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg

STARRING: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Kate Allen, Shia LaBeouf

THE MOVIE

“Nuke the fridge.” This phrase seems to have been banded about quite a bit in relation to Indiana Jones’s latest cinematic adventure – which arrives in UK stores this week. ‘Nuke the fridge’ is a reinvention of the oft-used phrase “jump the shark“, supposedly pinpointing the exact moment when the Indiana Jones film series lost the plot and the respect of fans worldwide. I love to be in the minority and I love to stand up for an underdog, and gosh darn it, I just love ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’.

The moment in question sees Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) fleeing from an atomic blast in a 1950s picture-perfect town etched out of plastic in the middle of the desert. He finds his sanctuary in the form of a lead-lined refrigerator and seals himself inside. The ensuing nuclear blast throws the fridge, and Indy, clear of the devastation and the audience heaves a collective sigh of relief. However, the resulting silhouetted shot is pure Steven Spielberg and I immediately forgave the illogical sequence. Spielberg effortlessly places Indiana into 1950s America, a world as alien to him as it is to us.

Revisiting ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ offers up a whole new viewing experience. No, George Lucas hasn’t digitally altered the chipmunk in the opening sequence or added a hundred new monkeys to the Tarzan-inspired vine swing, but we know what to expect – and what’s good about the film becomes a lot more obvious: they got the little details right. The classic-style Paramount logo, the font for the opening credits, the references to past characters, and John Williams’s triumphant score (before all his stuff started to sound the same). ‘Quantum of Solace’, the twenty-second James Bond film, suffered from a case of ambiguity: no vodka martinis, no ‘Bond, James Bond,’ and no Monty Norman theme until the final moments. ‘Crystal Skull’ has enough nods to its roots, both audibly and visually, to make it feel like a natural continuation rather than a pointless reinvention. Indy isn’t trying to compete with the Bruce Waynes or Jason Bournes of the world. He’s trying to recapture the heyday of 1980s entertainment, when heroes were free to be infallible and action scenes didn’t always have to be followed by a shot of the characters in pain, literally licking their wounds. Indy simply places that signature fedora back onto his head and he’s ready for another round. This is pure escapism for the whole family.

Harrison Ford is sixty six years old, and he does a damn fine job of kicking ass and taking a beating. However, he’s sixty six fricking years old; of course they were gonna bring in a sidekick to take over the action and, predictably, he became the victim of critical fanboys. Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) is a pretty thankless role, though luckily it has been cast with a pretty likeable actor. LaBeouf takes over much of the stunt work, particularly during the chaotic jungle chase sequences, and he holds his own as an action hero. Sure, he’s no Indiana Jones, but he gels well with Ford and ‘Raiders’ returnee Karen Allen, and as teen sidekicks go, he’s pretty inoffensive and proactive.

The same can’t be said for Ray Winstone’s Mac. He plays a double/triple/quadruple/whatever agent that inexplicably shouts most of his lines and feels like he’s walked in from an episode of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. As Indiana is trailed by his four (!) sidekicks during the film’s climax, Winstone definitely stands out as one pointless sidekick too many.

Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) is an interesting if unmenacing villain, declaring psychic warfare on Indiana without… actually… doing anything, but who cares? Blanchett has fun with the role; the accent and haircut being enough to ensure she’s a memorable if not villainous foe.

However, in a wider sense, Blanchett’s role speaks to perhaps the biggest flaw: missed opportunities. Why bring the delightful Karen Allen back into the fold only to give her very little to do? Why tease us with images of the Nazca Lines without fully exploring their significance? Why blacklist Indiana as a communist and then drop the storyline completely? The film feels unfinished; an obvious victim of numerous rewrites and the demands of three Hollywood bigwigs in the form of Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford.

For all its faults, we should be grateful that ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ turned out as fun as it did. I won’t speak of the plot-holes, the unfortunate use of CGI, or the ludicrous climax, but I will say that personally, it captured my imagination the way films used to do when I was kid. Maybe I was blinded by nostalgia or predisposed to love it no matter what (just like ‘Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace’) but it’s classic family entertainment.

It’s simple. It’s fun. It’s popcorn. And that’s what Indiana Jones has always been about.

THE FEATURES

The film has been given the 2-disc special edition DVD treatment by Paramount and the obligatory Laurent Bouzereau documentaries are typically thorough and entertaining. The moviemaking process is covered from conception to post-production and the documentaries feature on-set interviews with most of the key cast and crew members.

It’s nice to hear from Lucas and Spielberg about the development hell this film lingered in, but what’s missing is an exploration of the film’s reception. Though reviews were generally positive, this film was never embraced fully by the fanbase and it would be nice to hear Lucas and Spielberg’s thoughts as to why this was. Also missing are any deleted scenes and an audio commentary but these will no doubt appear in the inevitable re-release.